My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
