thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
