I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
