There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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