Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Randomize
