I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
