My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
