Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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