I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
