Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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