never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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