Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
