omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
