Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
