i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
