Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
