Plan B is the new Plan A
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
