Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
