margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
