I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
