You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
