to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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