kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
