I need to stop coming to work sober
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
