Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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