If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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