Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's official drugs can't kill me
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
