life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
