we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
