what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
