tell your sister to shave her snatch
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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