is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
