I can tuck mytits in my pants
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
