All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
