I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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