If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
