I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
