Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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