I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
