She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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