Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
