Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
