wakey wakey hands off snakey
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize