So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
