Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
