A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
