ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
