I cannot find my penis.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
