I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
