6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
